Listen up, you pussy-hatted crybabies. Despite all your yapping and yawing about a president with “qualifications” and “government experience” and “a semblance of tact and human dignity,” Mr. Donald J. Trump is the leader of the land of the free, and no amount of #NotMyPresident tweets can change that. It’s time to set aside your whiny little Medium thinkpieces and cross-stitched pillows and unite with the silent majority of this country in its quest to restore our great nation to its mid-twentieth-century glory. C’mon, give Trump a chance.
The man’s a wildly successful businessman, a nearly profligate philanthropist, and a reliably eloquent public speaker. He treats women with respect, veterans with reverence, and his opponents with the utmost class. Most importantly, he speaks his mind, whether it’s on his Twitter account or during a phone call with one of the United States’ allies. Can you understand why the majority of Americans if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally elected him into the world’s most powerful office, yet?
If not, it’s really too bad. Trump’s already here! And his first three weeks as president have only proved what melodramatic dummies his critics are.
“It’s just words”
The border wall he promised Mexico would pay for, and we rational-thinkers dismissed as nothing more than political rhetoric? It’s not being paid for by the Mexican government at all, just American consumers. Looks like all your jaw-flapping about bridges and bricks proved wrong all along.
And hey! If you were worried about that Muslim ban Trump promised, don’t fret. The executive order banning travel from Iraq, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen has already been blocked by a federal judge. Maybe a Trump presidency, thanks to its utter lack of foresight, isn’t as apocalyptic as you described on your sandwich boards.
“A president doesn’t hold all the power”
Besides, it’s not only Trump running the show. Steve Bannon, alt-right-media-extraordinaire-turned-White-House-chief-strategist, just replaced the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the National Security Council and called the shots on the aforementioned travel ban. So while you were complaining about Trump’s locker room talk on your glittery protest signs, this media mogul provocateur was plunging both hands into the proverbial foreign policy cookie jar.
Trump’s other picks for crucial government positions are just as solid as the Breitbart founder. He selected former Texas governor Rick Perry to lead the Department of Energy, the same department he wanted to eliminate—but don’t worry, he’s since changed his mind. Rex Tillerson, former CEO of ExxonMobil, might have a few troubling ties to Russia, but his international business experience totally makes him the right dude for the job. Betsy DeVos hasn’t stepped foot in a public school, but we all know the best educators come equipped with a $5.1 billion net worth, right? Look, maybe irrelevant senators are quoting some civil rights activist to protest Jeff Sessions, but the record will show that DJT’s appointees are some of the most highly qualified, least racist in history.
Are you convinced yet?
“He’ll act presidential once he’s in office”
If not, consider the fact that while you’re tweeting cute suffragette memes with an unfortunately perfect Mitch McConnell quote, Trump is hard at work tweeting about garbage news outlets, so-called judges, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Apprentice” takeover; instituting an Environmental Protection Agency social media blackout; and ousting interim attorney generals. Or the fact that he definitely knows at least four influential black figures from history. Or the fact that way more people showed up at Donny’s inauguration than Barack’s (just ignore those pesky grass covers and tricky camera angles).
The people who criticized Trump all through the election and are keeping up the outraged act should ask themselves what they’re accomplishing. Are they policing the every step toward authoritarianism by a wispy-haired wannabe despot? Are they critiquing the infiltration of partisan politics by alt-right ideologies? No, they’re just griping that they can’t wear t-shirts emblazoned with glass ceiling puns and refusing to accept that the reality TV star is now their democratic overlord. SAD!
Sure, Trump’s business ties to foreign countries create potential conflicts of interest. Sure, his fixation with the mainstream news media threatens crucial tenets of democracy. But get over it! Hillary lost, and complaining about it will only fracture the union further. He’s your president now, snowflakes. Give him a chance.
(And yeah, maybe Trump’s crushing on Vladimir Putin. But can you blame him?)
Last updated: February 9, 2017, 11:30 AM by Madison Shumway